


after life

by glambis



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:40:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27614299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glambis/pseuds/glambis
Summary: They are wandering down a desert trail, looking at yucca trees and clumps of agave, and Jiyong is thinking about Anaheim, which is the first place they ever played outside of Asia.  Google maps says that it's only 100 miles from here - they could drive there in two hours if they wanted to, though why would they.“It’s beautiful here isn’t it?” he says to Seunghyun.  “Despite what the wildfires have done to the land,” he adds as they pass yet another burn victim of a yucca tree.(Jiyong and Seunghyun go hiking in Joshua Tree National Park a couple of days after Coachella 2020.)
Relationships: Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P./Kwon Jiyong | G-Dragon
Comments: 4
Kudos: 14





	after life

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place in three locations - Anaheim, Indio and Joshua Tree - and in different points in time.

_Joshua Tree_

They are wandering down a desert trail, looking at yucca trees and clumps of agave, and Jiyong is thinking about Anaheim, which is the first place they ever played outside of Asia. Google maps says that it's only 100 miles from here - they could drive there in two hours if they wanted to, though why would they.

“It’s beautiful here isn’t it?” he says to Seunghyun. “Despite what the wildfires have done to the land,” he adds as they pass yet another burn victim of a yucca tree.

“Maybe even more so because of it,” says Seunghyun. He steps off the trail to feel the charred trunk, and Jiyong does too- it’s surprisingly smooth beneath his hand, the fire having erased all the roughness from the bark.

“I’m glad we came,” he says.

“On this walk you keep insisting is a hike?”

“It is a hike. And yeah, I’m glad we drove out for this, but I’m also glad we said yes to Coachella.”

“Even if we didn’t have a new song?” asks Seunghyun.

“Even then.”

“I tried,” says Seunghyun.

“I know.”

_Anaheim_

Anaheim is not in LA. Jiyong used to think that it was, back when he’d only seen this country in movies and hadn’t known that the coasts were a five day drive apart. He told everyone he was playing a show in LA and then he woke up from his nap on the car from LAX and nearly cried.

Amid the disappointment of finding himself surrounded by strip malls and gas stations, and the stress caused by Yang Hyun Suk’s constant refrain of _This is the most defining moment since your debut_ (he and Teddy had come along for this trip so they could meet some hot shot producers to talk about the next album), there was a small piece of magic: The daily fireworks. They went off over Disneyland at 9 and 1030pm each night like clockwork and they were the city’s one saving grace. Daesung was especially impressed and liked to stop and film them even when they came back in a later year.

_Indio_

Indio is not in LA either but by the time they played Coachella Jiyong was much better acquainted with the geography of Southern California. It’s a longer drive from LAX than Anaheim is, especially with the traffic, and they made a couple of rest stops along the way, to buy snacks at a gas station and have lunch at a diner, which gave the journey road trip vibes.

It was their first time playing a big festival like this and the crowd was different than usual. Most seemed to be fans judging by the fact that he got drowned out during the chorus to If You, but he knew that many of the audience members must have come to see them out of curiosity or just to have a good time. He realized later that they hadn’t sung to as many people who knew so little about them since their debut.

_Joshua Tree_

“So have you decided what comes next?” asks Jiyong as they stop on the side of the trail for him to tie his laces. “Graduate school?” 

“I still haven’t decided,” says Seunghyun. “You know how I promised myself to be careful with my decisions.” 

“As opposed to signing a ten year contract because your middle school friend and the CEO of his company asks you to?” 

“... Yeah, pretty much.”

He knots and double knots his laces and they carry on. The path rises as it goes along and it gets a bit cooler, which he’s grateful for because it’s the middle of the day and there is no shade anywhere. 

He squints past the brim of his bucket hat at Seunghyun. “For what it’s worth I think you’d make a fantastic curator,” he says, imagining Seunghyun in the storage vault of some museum poring over hidden masterpieces.

“You only think that because we grew up on the same art and pretty much have the same taste.”

“You’re just being humble,” Jiyong says.

“On the downside I’d probably have to be away for at least two years.”

“On the upside we have plenty of money for plane tickets.”

Seunghyun laughs. “Thank you TOP,” he says.

_Indio_

They stopped for lunch in San Bernardino. They pulled off the I-10 and their new manager found a place that did burgers and fries. “Do you know what my favorite part of this job is?” asked Youngbae as they waited for their food. 

“What?”

“All the beautiful places we wouldn’t have access to otherwise.” 

It has always been Youngbae’s habit to express gratitude for things - it is how he expresses his faith, a silent _Thank the lord_ implicit in everything he says. Daesung is the same way. Their burgers arrive and they do it again. 

Jiyong had a brief flirtation with religion between the ages of twenty three and twenty four, after Daesung took him to church on a couple of Sundays in a row, but he realized eventually that it wasn’t really working out for him. He had trouble believing in a higher power, that there was a superhuman force out there that was interested in the course of his life. It just didn’t seem to him that there was anything out there.

He wonders though if this gratitude is why Youngbae and Daesung have made it to their thirties untouched by the temptations of this world of theirs. Because what they have is enough - whereas the rest of them are always wanting more.

_Anaheim_

The second time they came to Anaheim, which was three years later, the fireworks were still a daily affair. They went off as they waited for their food on the patio of a wagyu steakhouse, and Daesung said, after the show was over, “Imagine if they had them at Lotte World every night. Or in Seoul every night. “How awesome would that be?”

They’d been drinking on empty stomachs and maybe that was why Seunghyun decided to get philosophical. “Maybe it would be awesome at first,” he said, and he was starting to slur his words, “But eventually it would stop meaning anything to you - Yes, even to you Daesung.”

“What are you talking about?” asked Jiyong, although he thought he knew what this was about.

So Seunghyun told them about the happiness treadmill. He’d read about it in an article, he said, and nothing had ever made more sense to him. What it meant was that nothing would ever bring lasting- 

“What is this? Psychology 101?” 

Jiyong again. He was in a bad mood for some reason. Maybe it was because they’d just spent twelve hours on a plane, maybe it was because he was hungry and wished their food wasn’t taking so long to arrive, or maybe it was because this wasn’t the first time Seunghyun was expressing feelings like this. He opened his mouth to say something to the effect of _Suck it up already_ , and then he saw the look on Seunghyun’s face.

“Do you regret this?” he asked afterwards when they were alone at the hotel bar, more gently this time. “Do you regret letting me talk you into signing that contract?” 

And when Seunghyun said no: “But if you could walk away from it right now, without the financial penalties, would you?” 

Again the answer was no.

“Hyung I don’t get it. Help me understand. If this career doesn’t make you happy, if you don’t find any meaning in it, why would you want to keep doing it?”

They were leaning very close together. The more they spoke the quieter they got. Jiyong could smell past the alcohol on Seunghyun’s breath, and not for the first time he could almost imagine what it would be like to - 

“Isn’t it obvious?” said Seunghyun. He looked Jiyong in the eye and said it again, “Hasn’t it been obvious for years?”

_Joshua Tree_

“I’m sorry about Big Bang,” says Seunghyun.

“I know. It’s okay,” says Jiyong. “I’ll move on.”

“I really am sorry though. I know Big Bang is your baby. And there’s a part of me that wants you to have everything you want.”

“I just want you to be happy,” says Jiyong, and he means it. 

They’re halfway up the mountain and he’s getting thirsty. He reaches into his backpack for one of the water bottles they’d picked up at the supermarket this morning- from the refrigerated section at the back, although they’ve been out for so long that the water is lukewarm now. He drinks and passes the rest of the bottle to Seunghyun. “Water?” he asks.

  
  
  


_Indio_

A list of concert mishaps:

The pitch for If You was set too high and his voice cracked. 

A stage light turned on a second too late.

There was a moment of helplessness in Bae Bae when everyone forgot who’d been assigned Seungri’s part and just stood around and stared at each other.

Seunghyun as usual forgot his moves.

Jiyong just laughed off the more glaring mistakes and apologized to the crowd, though they didn’t seem to mind. He explained in halting English, “We spent two years in the army.”

“Where’s the old Jiyong and what have you done with him?” Youngbae wanted to know afterwards, as they were getting changed backstage.

 _He just grew up_ , he thought on the car ride back to their rented bungalow. 

Along the highway were white wind turbines, lined up in rows and turning steadily in the night. Their motion made him drowsy. He let his head droop and rest on Seunghyun’s shoulder, and shut his eyes even though it was only a short ride.

  
  
  


_Joshua Tree_

They reach the peak and there’s desert all around. From this height the full extent of last year’s wildfires is visible - they can see where it raged the hardest and where the desert flora survived. And they can see where there is new life poking through the earth, though what will happen next year when lightning strikes, or someone sets off fireworks, no one knows.

Since they spent so long trying to get up here, they look for a place to sit and admire the view. It’s a weekday and there are not many people around, just some elderly couples who say hi to them and then have to call sharply after their overly friendly dogs. The sun is directly overhead and their shadows are dark and stubby.

Seunghyun says, “I realized that for the first time in my adult life I’m going to be free.”

“Are you excited?” Jiyong asks.

“Actually, I’m scared.”

“Why?”

“No structure, no schedules, no CEO to tell me what I really want. Every decision I make is my own.”

"But you have me,” says Jiyong. “And I'm the king of unsolicited advice.”

Seunghyun smiles. They sit in silence for a while, except to say hi to fellow hikers, and then he reaches over and puts his hand in Jiyong’s lap. Jiyong interlaces their fingers and presses his mouth to the back of Seunghyun’s hand. 

“Life wouldn’t make sense without you,” he says.

  
  
  


_Indio_

They didn’t have a new song to mark a new beginning and they couldn’t fill the stage the way they used to with only four instead of five, but the audience was happy with their set anyway. Throughout the night the crowd waved their lightsticks and screamed at the top of their lungs.

After their second to last song, Jiyong found that there were tears pricking his eyes. He lowered his mic as the lights swam and blurred together and formed a sea. In that moment, right before he turned away to wipe his eyes, he almost believed that he could step into that sea and just dissolve into the night.


End file.
